When a writer is torn between the desire to tell her story truth and the internal/external pressure to keep family secrets, what do you recommend?

It’s important first for the writer to get the story on the page, to write his or her own truth. Each person has a point of view and a story that no one else can tell, so the writer needs to claim it and try to discover its wisdom by writing about it. This process creates a new perspective that brings forth layers of memories and insights. Exposing these layers is part of the healing process.

And here’s the hot topic in all my memoir workshops: secrets. Secrets are energy magnets. The force it takes to keep secrets hidden is energy that could be used for growth and creativity. So often though, the shame and guilt associated with secrets keep feeding the darkness and the fear. Secrets maintain a great power over us, and we are diminished by them.
We become co-conspirators to family dynamics that we don’t agree with and want to break away from. So we get caught in a conflict—to speak or not to speak? Do we remain closed and complicit, or open up and take the risk of losing friends and family, of being ousted from the family, or shamed once again into submission? These are choices that we need to make consciously and with care.
I tell my students to be open to writing two versions of the story: first, write for yourself, to clear out your emotional closet and sort the events that are jumbled up in your mind. Research has shown that writing the unadorned truth is powerful and creates changes in the brain—in other words: it’s healing and transformational on many levels.

When you put real people in your book, especially if they are identifiable, they should be notified. Even if all the portraits are positive, we’re exposing a real person to the eyes of the world.

The convention is to have people read the sections they appear in, if you are on speaking terms. If not, change the names and identifying characteristics, even if that means changing names for the character, the streets, town and anything that exposes them. If published, the legal branch of the publishing company can vet the manuscript as well, but since so many memoirs are self-published, I think it’s important for people to keep these ethics in mind.

That said, when writing your early drafts, just write out all you have to say and don’t show it to anyone or tell anyone in the family that you are writing a memoir. That preserves your private writing space, and allows you to get out the stories that you need to release from your body. This helps you to develop a perspective on your memories, feelings, and family history that serves you well when you begin to make publishing decisions.

It’s true that memoir writing challenges us, but it can be a good friend, this process, inviting us to become more of who we really are, to find the voice that is ours and ours alone.

“Re-member” means to bring together the different parts of ourselves, and find ourselves whole.

1. Writing your deep truths frees you from the past and creates meaning out of chaos.
2. Re-membering brings all parts of you together again.
3. Writing with your own voice is empowering, story by story.
4. Telling your truth frees you from shame and guilt.
5. Your stories on the page will be different from the ones in your head.
6. Writing a memoir is a transformational and spiritual path.
7. Your story can help change others’ lives.
8. Research proves that writing heals both body and mind.
9. Creating a narrative where you are the “I” character and the narrator integrates the past and the present.
10. Integrating who you are and bringing memories out of the darkness changes your brain.
11. Writing and sharing your story breaks you out of isolation and connects you more deeply with the larger world.
12. Becoming an author is empowering and inspiring, and frees you from the shadows.
13. Getting published online, in an anthology or in your own book, are ways to get witnessed and move from victim to leader—showing others the way to healing and greater self-esteem.

Clouds hung over the hills that divide the Napa Valley from the Sonoma wine country, and the sun began to peak between layers of grey, blue, and sage as I wound my way around the valley to my favorite vineyard and wine tasting room–Cuvaison. One of my retreat attendees was there too, taking pictures of the now spectacular vision of afternoon sun, vineyards, and sweeping vistas that the Napa Valley is famous for.

Yes, we tasted some wine, talked about writing, and for Christmas presents, we bought some Cabernet Sauvignon Chocolate Sauce.

Now that is a writing prompt that begs for sensual details!

We are ready, those who are gathered tonight, to share our stories and our journeys to the heart of our memoirs–whether they become family legacies, spiritual journals, or books. The evening beckons us to get cozy now, and listen to the stories that want to emerge.