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She slipped into the café and was sitting alone. I only knew her from her photograph, but I knew it was Heather. I had read her memoir Sixty Five Roses, and felt that I knew her in some ways at least, as I think we all feel when we are invited into someone’s life through words. And we had played email tag for some time along the way. When I introduced myself, she gave me a big hug!

Once we started talking, we nearly began finishing each other’s sentences. There were so many things in common about teaching, the process of writing a memoir, and the healing that is possible through this amazing process. It was hard to believe at the end that we’d just met! For several days we had extended conversations about how we can help memoir writers, how to develop more creativity in writers, and how to mine the deep stories. She inspired me to develop new ideas and we plan to connect soon to talk about the seedlings we planted.

There was a lot of soul shaking going on at the conference in so many great ways—with many wonderful presentations, techniques, and deep heartful connections made. I made several new friends, and even got some new writing done! Most of all, I experienced the great group energy and that enlivens us and provides us with new possibilities. I’m planting all those little seeds now that began just last week, and I know the garden is going to be beautiful.

Next is the San Francisco Writing conference—where I’m part of the “book doctors” tables. Every five minutes I meet and talk with a write about his or her book, their ideas, plans, outlines, and titles. I love the process! Also my new book The Power of Memoir will be for sale! This is a terrific conference, and if you get a chance to come some year, it will be very much worth it. Besides, you get to see one of the best cities in the world and tramp up high hills, and ride a cable car!

“Try to see what you want to write about as a movie. Bring the reader into the movie of your life, and let them feel, see, and know what it was like for you in that moment.”

Jordan talked about what is in a scene: the visual element of description, sensual details, characters, and action.

“Memoir writers tend to think a lot and be in their heads. You need to show action, even a small gesture, and include conflict as well.”

She assured us that conflict did not need to be car chases! She meant that the different characters in the piece have opposing desires. Most memoirs are about people who don’t necessarily see eye to eye, so we should be able to find moments of conflict that will give our scenes the ring of truth and make them more interesting to read. It’s important to have a scene focus on something significant that happens.

Jordan spoke to our group as part of the ongoing free teleseminars that come with an NAMW membership.

I loved her presentation. I read so many memoirs that don’t use scenes often enough, so the writing tends to be flat and beige in color. In my work using writing as a healing tool, it is really important to write in scenes. It allows you to re-experience what happened through a new perspective–now—and helps to put the issue to rest through re-experiencing it in current time, as an adult.

Keep writing, and write those scenes! One by one, you create the moments of your memoir.

Other studies have shown progress for depression, improved recovery from breast cancer and high blood pressure.

In addition, there are the emotional advantages. Writing helps to relieve stress and sort out our thoughts and feelings. When they are on the page, they read and sound differently than rattling through our head. In our lives, we may find ourselves caught up in conflicts with friends, family, and co-workers, and wrestle with feelings of anger and frustration, sorrow, and feelings of isolation. In the course of a normal life, these things happen but too often, there’s no one who is able or willing to listen to us. We need understanding, we need witnessing. Writing offer this special witnessing to us. By writing the truth of what we feel, we return to balance.

This is the first day of the rest of your life.

If you are over the age of fifty, you may remember the saying that popped up in posters and cards in the sixties—This is the first day of the rest of your life! What a call to action, to grab this one day and within these twenty-four hours, make a difference in our lives. It sounds too simple, doesn’t it? And yet, it is in the now where we fulfill our dreams. We can begin writing today. We can change our perspective today.

You may have this passion as the day begins, but then so many distractions, so many reasons not to write arise. We have busy lives—the house needs to be cleaned, the laundry done. Cooking, shopping, answering the phone. These impediments to writing will always be there. How do we write anyway? How can we decide whether these tasks should be done, or if they are simply the voice of the inner critic?

That critic voice might whisper, “You are not a writer; you don’t have time for this.” Or you find yourself thinking, “What I write can’t really make a difference. Besides, it would be so terrible, what’s the point.” Or: “I shouldn’t waste my time on writing these terrible first sentences. There must be a better, easier way.”

Some people don’t write because they worry about the kind of feelings that might arise. “What if I get upset? Some of my memories are not happy. Why bring them up again, and wallow in them. I should just stay in the present.”

These reasons are logical, and yet there are powerful reasons not to let them stop us.

Messy feelings

In school we are trained to learn math, history, English, science, and other technical subjects, but our emotional education goes by the wayside. Training for our emotional life is whatever emotional or philosophical nuggets our parents were able to give us. As we grow up in our family, and go through school and society, we learn that feelings should be suppressed. We learn to ignore them, to be ashamed of them, and try to avoid having them.

Of course as we grow up, we do need to learn to be appropriate with our feelings, not to blast or overwhelm other people with them, but we also need to find a healthy way to release or communicate our feelings. Most of us are taught to be nice and polite, to suppress and repress feelings, leaving them tangled up inside us, with no model for how to solve or resolve them. We pass our math exam, but end up with feelings and memories that can make us feel bad.

Feelings are fleeting—we feel happy, we feel sad; we feel down and discouraged, or we might feel bursting with positive energy. Sometimes our feelings simply need an outlet that doesn’t hurt anyone. We can’t fly off at the boss, and we are supposed to treat our parents, elders, and neighbors with respect. But what about the way the boss gave another person a raise instead of you? What about parents who don’t play fair, have favorites, or refuse to discuss issues that come up in the family? What about a husband and wife who don’t know how to resolve conflict, and who don’t consider therapy an option. Yes, writing can help.

Writing as a Creative Act

Pen and paper can be your best friend. The objections to writing that I mentioned above are common. Everyone has his or her own “Critic-censor” which discourages self-expression. Small children are wonderfully self-expressive—they dance freely and without worry, paint pictures, and sing songs they make up on a whim. They write poems and tell stories without worrying what others think. Somehow this all changes as we grow older.

In order to connect to the whole creative, spiritual being within, we need to free ourselves, and allow our own unique voice to be heard. Writing is one way to do that.

Journaling and Freewriting

Several approaches to writing help to free our voice and help us express our ideas. The first is to “freewrite,” to journal, to say whatever comes to your mind. Since many of us hold in our opinions, the invitation to freely speak can sometimes be daunting and even cause guilt responses.

“Well, I’m sorry for saying it that way—that wasn’t very nice.”

“I feel guilty for telling the truth, but…”

“Even though my family doesn’t know what I’m writing, I feel superstitious about it—as if they will somehow know when I write the family secrets.”

“Don’t air the dirty laundry—that’s what I was always told.”

Writers tell me about these internal voices all the time.

Women often feel the need to censor themselves if they are angry or displeased, even on paper though the object of their anger will never see it. The women I coach are often apologizing for what they say and how they say it. They worry about the judgments others might have if they are not always supportive, giving, and understanding. And then there is the pressure in our society for men to be macho, and not to express themselves with feelings. If as boys they were “sensitive” or artistic, they might have suffered abuse or ridicule. Men who enjoy the world of feelings, poetry, and self-expression learn to keep these things to themselves, yet many of the published writers and poets are men, so this should give men permission to express whatever is in their hearts freely and openly. Both sexes need to find their voices and to be brave about stating their truths.

Telling the Truth

Telling the truth is freeing and healing. Our writing time offers us an invitation to write freely and tell the truths we have avoided to ourselves as the first witness to our most secret thoughts. Because the truth of negative feelings is the most criticized, we need to give ourselves permission to say what we’ve been told to keep secret or silent. In doing this, we are freed of the power of the negative, and the secrets hold no more power over us. We can witness the angry part of ourselves and then feel ready to have other feelings pour in—from relief to guilt. If we feel guilty then we write about that guilt, peeling off another layer of truth.

How to write what’s true:

1. Write down all the things that bother you, no censoring.
2. Give yourself permission to say it like it is, don’t be polite. No one will know.
3. Write everything from your point of view first. Then, if you want to turn your story on its head, write a story from the point of view of the person you disagree with.
4. Write for 15 minutes without stopping. If you need more time, write for another 10 minutes.
5. Write in flow—without taking your pen off the page.
6. If you don’t know what to say next, just freewrite your thoughts, “I’m sick of writing, I don’t know what to say, I’m finished with this—oh yeah, now I remember…” and go on writing.
7. Make a list of the truths you hold secret.
8. Write a story you always said you would never write.
9. List all the guilt voices that you hear as you write the story, and afterward.
10. Write a list of family secrets.

Just because we “could” say certain things does not mean it is a good idea. Just because we might not get sued or have legal action brought against us does not mean that we should put questionable or “hot” information into words. Deciding whether or not to put potentially damaging or upsetting material into the memoir needs to be resolved in the final stages of writing.

Revenge

Getting revenge is not the best motivation for writing a memoir. If you have been wounded, writing about your feelings is a good way to resolve them. Writing the stories about what happened can help you come to a new understanding. But writing to “get back at” others almost always backfires. I listened to a published memoir writer talk about his many complaints about what happened to him after his memoir came out—he was sued, and his family was shocked and hurt at what he wrote. However, he had not warned the people involved about the content of his work, and much of it was angry and highly judgmental. He said he hoped that they would never find out about it because he had changed his own name. He talked about how the memoir had created another level of conflict and hurt feelings, but seemed have no idea how this happened.

You are the only one who can decide whether putting the “truth”—your version of it—out into the world will help create a healing experience for you and your family. Ask yourself if you have a fantasy that after your memoir is written that there will be an upsurge in family forgiveness, or that longstanding grudges will suddenly dissolve once you present your point of view (or the “correct” point of view.) It may be hard to predict how the memoir will affect family and friends. All you can do is to be as ethical and compassionate as possible as you present your work to the family and the public. Being ethical does not mean that you agree with what other members of the family think, or that you have to be close or connected. Being ethical means that you protect yourself and your work, and have proper boundaries when sharing your opinion, which is what a memoir is, with the larger world.

Here are some suggestions:

• Are there serious grudges or emotional cut-offs with family and friends?
• Do you want to ask permission or to tell your family what you are writing about?
• “Asking permission” means making a request that can be denied—which affects what you write about had how you write it. Be clear before you speak about your request and intentions.
• Be prepared to negotiate sticky issues.
• If anyone is mentioned by name, get permission to use their name, and after you write your piece, show it to them for their agreement before putting it in print. If your piece reveals information about a town, or any public figures or events, be sure that your facts are accurate before publishing.
• Make certain that you are not defaming anyone’s character or invading his privacy. Check with a literary attorney to see what these terms mean. If you have a publisher, the staff and attorneys will work with you about this, but if you self-publish you need to do it yourself.
• Be sure that your opinions are not expressed as facts. Check any “facts” in your research that can be checked.
• Be willing to change names, physical descriptions, the location of a town or public arena if non-family members figure into the book.
• Fictionalizing, changing certain things to protect the guilty and the innocent, may be necessary when looking at publication.

Publishing a memoir means considering it as a literary public endeavor. Publishing concerns should be put aside until you complete a full draft of the memoir. As with any public statement, ethical issues arise and must be solved, ideally in a way that continues to allow the work to be healing to everyone involved.

Exercises:

1. Write about your top five worries about what will happen when you talk with your family about your memoir.
2. Think about revenge—is there anyone you’d like to get back at? Do you imagine someone reading your memoir and feeling sorry or apologizing to you? Write about this in your journal.
3. What emotional reactions are you concerned about when you present your memoir to family? Will they think your work is fair and balanced?
4. Name the ethical problems in your memoir that concern you.
5. How do you feel about taking your memoir into the public arena? Write about this as you go through the process of writing and publishing your memoir.
6. Research your rights and your legal and ethical responsibilities if you want your work published.

The critic is always there, commenting, muttering, and well, criticizing: Who do you think you are? How dare you betray your mother (father, aunt, grandmother, sister, brother) by writing those things? It’s just not good enough; the person on the other side of the room writes so much better than I do; is this a waste of time; I should be doing other worthwhile things; this is just a narcisstic, self-centered activity.

Voice from family and society enter into the critic voice. One of my favorites, which I react to with a grumble: “When will you stop being stuck in the past?”
I know that other memoirists and personal essay writers run into that adminishment too.

However, we do need to balance the past and the future in our work. If you feel you are drowning in the past, use a focused writing exercise to bring you into the present.

1. Describe exactly where you are, the landscape, setting, and sensual details of where you are.
2. Write about the people around you–describe clothes, expressions, body type, attitude. What movie or novel character do they remind you of?
3. Write about the best day you can imagine. Bring yourself into that place through the details in your writing.
4. Happiness imagined affects the brain positively. Write about what makes you happy.

Writing the truth frees us from the trap of secrets, frees us from the voices of guilt and shame. Writing is a risk, a challenge, so pick up your pen. Imagine only the voices of praise around you as you watch the words flow.

Because that’s what writing is all about–a different form of listening. We listen to the small voice inside that tells us to write about a memory that won’t let us go; we listen to the invitation of our essential or spiritual self to tune into who we are beneath life’s surfaces. We try not to listen to that inner critic or we won’t write at all!

And there is the issue of courage. Our society is not very encouraging about telling our truths or taking time to heal, but perhaps that will change as more memoirs are being written, as more people take that leap into inner listening and invite us to join them.

It would be great to know what your favorite memoirs are, and what you have learned from them.

Do you write and listen to your inner voice–even if it’s only in your journal?

What helps you to capture your inner life on the page–what rituals and inspiration invite you to write?

The last memoir I read: Barack Obama’s Dreams of My Father. I read it before he exploded into the public consciousness and television. It inspired me to listen to him and to find out more about a person who had overcome the challenges he speaks of in his book. I learned about his inner life, thoughts, and turning points, all of which helped shape him into the person he has become. He selected what to tell and how to tell it, which we all must do when we arrive at the publishing stage.
Check my website for a list of other memoirs I think will inspire you to tell your own story. Notice what makes you want to listen in to their stories. Notice what techniques are used when telling an interesting story.

You may ask yourself questions about your writing life–when will I have time? What was I writing about anyway?

I read somewhere this week about making lists instead of making resolutions–we all know what happens to too many of our resolutions.

List makers can get in trouble too–they look at all the things they have not done and freak out.

So here is a new way to make some lists:

1. Make a list of all your blessings–a gratitude list. Positive psychology books and theories are telling us this is as important, if not more so, than investigating our failures and problems. Try it for a month. Journal about your experiences.
2. Make a list of the 10 most significant turning points in your life–or five if you don’t want to think about it too long. These are the moments when your life changed, when you were visited with a huge new insight.
3. List the 5 or 10 most important people in your life when you were 15. 30; now. Write down their names and visualize them in your mind. Write a word or two about what they gave you and how their influence shows up in your life now.
4. Use these lists to fire up your writing this month. Contemplate the list, the topic, and see what gets your mind moving, what images come up. What excites you, makes you feel something? We need to write where the heat is.

Good luck with this new version of list making. I think you will find it fun.

I know how hard it is to find time, but it does not take a lot of time to get started writing. All you need is a small notebook you can carry with you all the time, your pen, and the commitment to sit down for 10 minutes a day.“That’s not enough time,” says a voice in your head.

But it is. In the groups I teach, we do a freewrite at the beginning of class–for 10, maybe 15 minutes. Each time a little gem emerges, an idea has begun to take root, and the writer is always surprised! Happily surprised, saying, “Wow, I didn’t know that story was waiting to be told.” Or, “That wasn’t so hard–I could do this and get some of my stories done.”

Yes, it’s true. Writing for a short time gives you permission not to get stuck in the endless, “I’ll get to it when I have time,” which just disappoints you. This new mantra is, “I’ll write a little each week, for 10 minutes. I can do that!”

Have fun. Get a notebook that you will enjoy using. Get out your pen, and tune into the stories in your heart.

This is a typical, but daunting problem. All of us are so busy, that sitting down to find creative thoughts, or to even know what we are thinking seems impossible. Writing a memoir does take an effort of energy and intention. We must think about the past and figure out which aspects of the past that we want to choose–after all, life is long and complex; and then–what words to use? How much to tell? The inner critic starts yammering–”you can’t write that, they’ll disinherit you!”

With all that noise it is easier to take a walk, do the dishes, or dust the mantle. Many writers marvel how clean their house is when they are supposed to write.

What to do?

First, schedule your writing date in your datebook. Get rid of distractions. Turn off your cell phone! Don’t answer any phones! Turn off your email announcements and chimes.

Second, keep a writing journal either online or in a notebook, jotting down what you were writing last and what the story or vignette was about. Then each time you want to write, you will have an easier time finding yourself and your voice.

Third: announce that you are going to write to your best writing buddy and ask your friend to keep you accountable. Create your own support group. You don’t have to show her the writing, just have her ask you if you did it, and how long you wrote.

Fourth: If that inner critic is bothering you, write down what it says and put it aside. Take a few minutes for this. You inner critic also does things like TEMPT you not to write. It is not always a nasty voice. Sometimes it is sweet: “Oh, you have worked so hard, you deserve a rest. Sure you scheduled that time to write, but just sit down, put your feet up, and pop in a movie. Take it easy.”

Try these techniques and soon you will develop new habits. The way to get more writing done is to make writing dates that are shorter, such as twenty or thirty minutes. You will be surprised at how much you get done!

Keep writing!